They will eat you alive. But you wanted to get that action. The episode has become a byword for TV writers conjuring up increasingly ludicrous storylines to punch up the interest in shows with declining audiences.
The sharks were climbing all over each other. I saw a leaf land in the water and it got swarmed. It was soooooo bad, man, I wish we had you Manny there.
Our beacon of literary chops in a roiling, putrid sea of shark stories. Our unanimous sage. Our lynchpin. Some may wonder what took him so long. Some may wonder what pleasure he derived from watching Ian Gouveia long into the wee small hours, just to sling a few pearls before swine.
But, as Chekhov teaches us through the lunatic hallucinations of Andrei Korvin, it is indeed a fine and dainty dance between madness and genius. So wipe that smug grin off your face.
Everything you say is contestable and maybe completely wrong. He has always walked his talk and weighed in below the line. It finished with a somewhat controversial list of the 10 greatest surf writers of all time. A grim, thankless task from which he somehow elicited high art. With one hand, a pathos that would make Emily Dickinson weep; and with the other a bathetic rendering that left us unsure whether to laugh cry or cry wank.
Whilst not ashamed to scythe through the performance of the athletes with plain, beautifully brutal truths in the tradition of Derek Hynd or Lewis Samuels before him, Longtom saved his most choice lures and lethal barbs for the power brokers of professional surfing.
Notably, those who came from the outside with designs and delusions of transforming the game he loved so deeply.
All not so much gaslit by Longtom as flung on a roaring pyre as we danced around and squealed with glee. Imagine him now, if you will, cash-strapped and cold-shouldered by Charon, doomed to wander the shores, muttering something about the Oi Rio Pro and Nick Carroll. Flirtations with serious journalism never quite sang with the same sweet symphonies of Lennox lore, big fish tales or his unique brand of pro surf prose, but far be it from this necrologist to judge.
But it will be constricted. The liberty to coil up those words and sling the noose will not be the same. Hopefully not just lurking like the many ghosts of surf industry past, but opaque and present. We can only hope that manuscripts for the promised but unfinished memoir Big Tits, Blue Water are coherent and forthcoming from his estate.
Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure. You shoulda been here yesterday, it seems to say. This week, the Ranch is back in the news. Really, no one wants to be around surfers. Surfers, well, they just want to surf. How will all the dirty hordes of kooks make it to the beach?
Like, forget this. What does it look like? The first two-year period is designed to buy time to sort out additional details. So, roughly the lineup at Trestles on a good day. Eat your heart out, Los Angeles. Predictably, land owners are not that excited about this process. Expect some form of reservation system. Get your refresh keys ready. Public access, yes, but not really. Instant classic? How do you feel about it? Do you remember him? Many fancy passes and deep threes. The world's greatest longboard wave sees hot action.
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